Well, it has been a while, yet again I’ve had very little motivation to even sit down and write for the past week. I started this blog in the hope I’d help or inspire someone else in a similar situation. But I also did it for myself, and I’ve had nothing useful to share. It’s been a hard couple of weeks, not for any reason, in particular, it’s just been one of those things. I’m currently sat in Costa as my husband bathes our children. I needed a break, I needed to be out of the house and away from my children. They both love me so much right now, and I’m not complaining but its very full-on. Holly and Poppy want cuddles but Poppy won’t sit with Holly which results in a big meltdown. I think the word I’m looking for is inadequate. That’s how I’ve been feeling.
A few months ago I would have just had a breakdown and cried, that’s why I’m sat in Costa right now allowing myself the time to focus on myself for an hour and not breakdown at cry. I’m also trying to not judge myself as I write this, it feels like I’m writing a Danielle pity party but I can assure you that’s not what I’m trying to do.
I guess the aim of this post is to find comfort for myself but also comfort to others who may feel inadequate from time to time. Being a parent is hard in general and then throwing Poppy into the mix is a challenge in itself. My god is she rewarding, but right now things are just hard. I never imagined when she was born that she would be two years old and not able to speak. I hope so much that I don’t have to say that about a three-year-old. Not for my sake, but for hers.
I see the discomfort in her eyes every day, I see her brain ticking away trying to figure out how to communicate with me. Which now is walking to what she wants and crying, coming back to me and crying if I don’t immediately see to her needs. It’s a hard balance because I have another child who needs my attention. Poppy obviously doesn’t get that.
I’m thankful for the small improvements she’s made, I’m glad she can walk to what she wants and knows what she wants. I’m thankful she’s spent the past few days laughing and smiling. No one wants this for their child, but I’m thankful she’s doing what she’s doing.
Her sister very much highlights Poppy’s communication downfalls. Holly says hi, mama, dada, ta, oh oh, claps her hands, waves hello and goodbye and copies what people do. Poppy is nowhere close to this. And does she need to be? People assure me that she’s fine and she’ll get there but that doesn’t make the journey any easier.
The inadequacy comes from knowing that it’s down to me and Oliver to help Poppy talk. Mostly me because I spend the most time with her. I fear that if she never speaks I didn’t do enough. I’m already feeling like I’m not doing enough.
I do myself no favours because as I go about my daily life I put on a fake pretence like I’m okay, and truth be told I’m not most of the time. This results in people “dumping” their life on me. And I’m kind of over it. It’s a hard balance because by no means do I not want to be there for my friends and family. But I also just don’t want to have to bare their problems, it’s exhausting.
The issues we face with Poppy are constant and happen every day, this isn’t a short phase. This isn’t self-inflicted, none of us asked for this to happen. And if there was something I could do to make Poppy’s life easier I’d do it in a flash. So when people complain about their lives to me and do nothing to resolve it, it drives me insane.
By no means do I think that my life is harder than everyone else’s but what I do know is that it is hard. This constant hardness is every day. Hopefully one day Poppy will speak and that worry will be lifted. But Poppy will always in some way not have a normal life. She had her first surgery coming up on two years ago. Her future changed forever that day at 8 weeks old.
She will always have her shunt, she will always have her flat square-shaped head (although she is beautiful regardless of her head shape.) There is always the worry when she’s sick that her shunt will get infected. A cold could lead to brain surgery with no warning. I think I’m still getting used to my life constantly being on the edge. I feel like at no moment I can fully relax because I don’t know if and when she’s going to get sick.
And that term “getting sick” always makes me chuckle. I use that term to describe excess fluid on her brain and brain surgery. That’s just our normal. Our normal is not normal, it’s hard.
Well hasn’t this just been a big moan fest, I said it wouldn’t be a pity party and I think I’ve done a bad job. I apologise!
But in all seriousness, if you’re feeling inadequate I can assure you you’re not. Even if in one area of your life you feel that way, there are other areas in your life that you are strong in. Feeling inadequate may simply mean there’s an area to improve. It doesn’t always have to be a weakness.
Be strong and try and have faith in yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do as I write this post. I hope you join me in having faith in yourself.