Well, I’ve not attempted to write a post for a week. I’ve wanted to want too, but I had no direction and I didn’t want to put something out for you to read that I wasn’t proud of. But I’m here now, attempting to write something.
As you know if you’ve read my last post that I’ll link you for below that both of my daughters birthdays were this weekend. That isn’t the easiest time of year for me. So I thought I’d write a bit of an update on how it all went.
Honestly, the build-up to Friday was the hardest part. I was more anxious about how I’d feel on their birthdays than I was actually anxious about it happening. The anxiety and emotions I was dealing with came out physically, my chest hurt like my heart was actually broken. And honestly, my heart was broken. After a number of months ignoring my feelings about the whole situation, it was so overwhelming.
My most vivid memory of the whole event of Holly birth is the ten minutes from starting to bleed until I was put under for surgery. In those ten minutes I thought I was going to die, I know afterwards that the doctors also thought I was going to die. I remember not panicking, I remember trying to get hold of Oliver which I managed to do. But I didn’t get to speak to him, I spoke to my mum who went and woke him up. I thought that those would be the last words I’d ever speak to any of my family.
Now that’s really hard to relive and think about. Because I wasn’t just leaving behind just me or my mum or brother. I would be leaving behind I family I chose to make. A husband that I adored, my daughter would be motherless and potentially the baby I was carrying would never even meet me.
So Much More…
Our purpose on this earth is so much more than I think most of us realise. We don’t always understand our importance, not only to ourselves but the importance we have to other people.
My god, it breaks my heart to imagine Oliver raising Poppy by himself. I’m not religious but I always made the passing comment when I was pregnant that if there is a God I don’t think he likes me very much. But really if there is some higher power, that higher power looked down on my family at the most important time and saved us. All three of us, me and my two girls. And if there isn’t it may just be luck and the work of doctors of course.
Although nearly dying is hard to relive, it also gives you a new perspective on life. How vulnerable we all are, no matter how invincible we think we are. How many times have you heard someone say “But that won’t happen.”? It might, and that’s the reality of it. It is an uncomfortable thought, it’s scary but it is possible.
Making New Memories
The idea of making new memories this year was tough to accept, I just wanted to sit and wallow in the past. To an extent I did, I allowed myself to be sad and feel all of my emotions that naturally came to me. Making sure I did not push one emotion down. I kept myself busy, just busy enough that I had other things to focus on but not too busy that I forgot the whole purpose of the weekend.
I’m not sure if the family and friends that came to their birthday party saw it as anything other than a party. But for me it was significant. It was four people celebrating that three of us had survived and lived our lives for the past year. It was celebrating life and actually living it. Not just time passing and getting a year older. But despite all we had faced, we had made it another year. We had made it to a year that we shouldn’t have even got too.
I think that is pretty special.
Danielle Swan x